PIC-2007-11-10 169

Are you deficit spending in the most important relationships in your life? This article will help you get out of emotional debt and turn your failing relationships around.

I have a 15-year-old teenage daughter. Kimberly is her name. She and I have always had a close relationship as father and daughter. Recently, though, I’ve noticed that she doesn’t want much to do with me. In fact our relationship has been strained on a fairly frequent basis. When I see her and say “Hi” she barely acknowledges me. When I ask her how school is going she gives me a scowl and mumbles something under her breath that sounds like “go away and leave me alone.” I couldn’t quite make it out. Anyway, I was getting concerned. I know deep down inside that she loves me. So what was going on here?

I suppose I could chalk up this behavior to the normal teenage tension that goes on between adolescents and their parents, but I just wasn’t buying that. What really was the root cause here?

What is the Love Account?

This is my take on it. With each person that we have a relationship with, we have something I like to call a “Love Account.” Just like a bank account, we make deposits and withdrawals in the Love Account. And like a bank account, if we don’t make deposits on a regular basis then we can’t expect to make withdrawals from it without consequences.

I could see that my Love Account with my daughter was overdrawn. In fact she was ready to close the account! This can happen to each of our relationships with family members if we aren’t careful. We have Love Accounts with each of our children, our spouse, our parents and so on. If we expect to withdraw benefits from each of these accounts we need to be making regular deposits.

What is a deposit into the Love Account?

For each person it can be different. What may be a deposit for one person wouldn’t necessarily be a deposit for another. One way to make deposits in your children’s Love Account is to be there and support them with the important events in their lives. If my daughter is in a play it means I had better make darn sure I go and see her in her play. If my son has a soccer game or a concert it means I show my love and support by being there. They may not even acknowledge it. They may not say anything like, “Thanks for being there, dad.” But you did make a deposit and every deposit builds the account so that later when you need to make a withdrawal, you won’t bankrupt the account.

My son Preston has a Boy Scout campout this weekend and dads are always invited to go with them. As much as I sometimes dread packing up all the camping gear and sleeping out on the cold, hard ground, it’s a huge deposit into my son’s Love Account when I am there with him.

Other ways we make deposits are being kind and sweet and loving. We make deposits by caring about the other person and seeing that their needs are met. We make deposits by being interested in their life and what they are currently going through. We make deposits by being generous with our stuff. We make deposits with notes of appreciation or even appropriate gifts. All of these things can build the Love Account.

Make sure the deposits are things that are of worth to the intended person. I heard a story of some parents who bought tickets to the Broadway play Phantom of the Opera for their teenage son. Unfortunately, what was of high value to the parents was of little value to their son. You need to understand what makes them tick and what they are into so you will know what is of high value to them. I know my daughter Kimberly loves clothes, shoes and lip gloss. She’s a 15-year-old girl and these are things that she is into right now.

What is a withdrawal?

There are two kinds of withdrawals. The first kind of withdrawal is made up of the expected rewards that come from a full and overflowing Love Account. With our children it may be receiving their cooperation, their love, a smile or a hug. It is also when we need something from them such as cleaning their room or doing their homework or being home by curfew.

With our spouse it is when we need love and affection and intimacy. These are legitimate withdrawals we are entitled to when we have filled the Love Account.

The second kind of withdrawal is when we do things that damage the relationship. When we miss the important events in their lives we are making withdrawals. When we disregard their interests or needs or when we violate their trust we are making withdrawals. When we criticize or put down or show disrespect we are making withdrawals. When we make fun of or embarrass them in public, withdrawals are being made. These things can take a major toll on the Love Account and quickly put it in deficit.

Like a bank, there is a penalty exacted then you write a check with insufficient funds in the Love Account. It costs you more than just the face value of the check.

Also, like an interest-bearing account, the more you deposit the more interest you earn. Your rewards are greater than the total amount you have deposited into the account.

Pay attention to your Love Accounts

So my message today is to pay attention to the Love Accounts in your life. Keep them full and overflowing. There is no better place to invest your time and effort. The rewards will always be more than you put in.

As for me and my 15-year-old daughter, it’s time to make some deposits. Where do you buy lip gloss anyway?

Thank you.

Master Yourself, Master Your Life

Copyright © 2008 Garold N. Larson

Related Posts